Photo: @UGlowPhotography
My husband and I have been married 8 years but dated 6 years before marrying. That’s 14 years! (Yikes) I am in no way a marriage or relationship expert! As millennials, the statistics are not even in our favor as far as marital success, given the rates of infidelity and divorce in our reality tv-social media addicted generation. Despite this, we’ve enjoyed 14 years together and going strong. Our friends and colleagues have asked us what’s our secret, or even stated that we are their “relationship goals.” Seriously??? So I got to thinking….
SECRETS TO OUR SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
1)Spending time together
- Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is not spending his weekends at a bar or club with his friends, unless they are celebrating an event. People may think we’re together all the time. Ha! As busy, career-focused individuals with kids, after work the kids get most of our attention. We try to use any non-work hours to spend time as a family and/or find creative ways to have a “date night.” Of course we make time for friends, but that comes AFTER our children and each other.
2)Respecting each other
- This is straight forward. We respect one another. We don’t talk to each other like we do with other people, whether we are angry, happy, joking, etc.
3) Limit social media
- Many people put every aspect of their relationship on social media including the good, bad and private. If it works for you, then fine. But, I have not seen any positives come from people allowing others into every part of their relationship. Aside from occasional pictures together and a shoutout for anniversary or birthday, my husband and I don’t share anything else on social media. Period! My friends and I have predicted when certain couples are fighting or separated based off the lack of Facebook posts at a given time. Seriously, people pay attention!
4) Privacy
- This goes along with limiting social media’s involvement but we keep most parts of our relationship private. If we are upset with one another, we don’t discuss it with anyone else. Why? When people are upset/angry, there’s a tendency to bad-mouth that person and putting that person in a bad light, and attracting unnecessary/bad advice that will affect your relationship. Of course all couples argue, but we RESPECT each other enough to not bad mouth each other to anyone or have nosy individuals in our business.
5) Establishing mutual life/family goals
- I’m grateful that we have similar dreams regarding raising a family and the type of life we want to live. Some people disagree on kids vs no kids, the number of kids, disciplining methods, money, where they want to live, etc. We are pretty laid-back individuals and that has a lot to do with how we see things, and how we want to live.
6) Understanding each other’s needs
- Our needs are very different! For me, spending time together is literally all I need, everything else is extra. As long as my husband’s sexual needs are met, everything else is extra. Different right?Once you understand your partner’s needs, and attend to those needs, it is very hard to not be successful (this is all within reason. Of course there are people whose constant needs ARE the problem of the relationship).
7) Physical attraction
- Before we got married, I told my husband that I would do my best to stay physically fit and I expected him to do the same. No, I am not shallow. I just understand that physical attraction is important in every relationship. It’s expected that with children and aging that our bodies won’t stay the same. Also, the more “comfortable” we get the more of a tendency to “let ourselves go” (whatever that means for you). This is true for men as well. The older we get, the less we focus or care about the physical, but speaking as a woman in my early 30s, this is and will remain true for a bit. Some people won’t agree with this of course. Thankfully, we agree and try to maintain a certain physique for one another. Plus, we get to reap the health benefits!
8)Talking (even when we don’t want to)
- When there’s an argument, the hope is that 1 person is willing to initiate the conversation and work at making things better. This means letting go of the anger and talking it out. I’m not going to lie, it feels good at times to be angry and make them feel it but… what good does that do? If you’re in this for the long run then just get over it and know that your relationship is worth more than winning an argument.
9)God
- I saved this for last because I don’t want it to be forgotten about. As a woman of God, I have made God the foundation of our relationship from the beginning. All of the above is doable when God is the focus. As married people, we see it as we’re stuck together until the end, so we might as well love each other with all our might. My faith enables me to respect my husband, understand his needs and WANT to meet his needs, support him, let go of any anger or disappointment, and know that there is always something/someone out there that does not want us to succeed, so we stay alert. I am always praying for our marriage and personally feel that my faith is what helps me with all of the above.
This list is what works for US and what will continue to work for US. Every relationship is different, and people’s needs are different. You may not find someone capable of meeting your needs and expectations. If so, then figure that out BEFORE you commit longterm. You can’t change people, so don’t make the mistake thinking that you can. Also, this list may not work for you. When BOTH individuals want to commit longterm then this list will surely help in keeping things in the right direction.
So, what isn’t on here that has helped you maintain a successful relationship or marriage? Comment below!
@vanessajmasse
